Have you ever had moments where you find yourself sitting and staring at a wall… feeling absolutely nothing? You space out, wondering what the heck is wrong with you. It seems as though you’re constantly drowning in an ocean and no matter how much you struggle, you’re unable to come up for air.
That is what depression feels like.
The following is a true testimony of how I suffered from depression but then was rescued from the darkness because spoiler alert, Jesus has already won against the dark.
Throughout my early teen years, I remember feeling completely numb. Nothing seemed to satisfy the gaping hole in my heart. My emotions were either turned off completely or so overpowering that I could not handle it. I would walk through life thinking I was not worth anything, and that people didn’t care about me and couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through. The only thing that really got me to focus on something else other than my own misery was focusing on social media and entertainment. It removed me from the real world so I could soak in this fake idea of reality I’d created for myself. I also used video games as an outlet to disregard my emotions. It was a very unhealthy way of coping.
There was one point where my mom advised that I see a therapist, but I only visited once because I felt so uncomfortable with sharing how I felt. The lie that nobody understood or cared still stuck in my head. For years, the enemy had been whispering malicious lies in my ear. He spoke sentences such as the following:
“No one cares about you.”
“You should just kill yourself.”
The more these were spoken to me, the more I believed them. Living in this mindset of falsehood broke me mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Unfortunately, I was not close to the Lord at the time. My relationship with God was solely attending church and occasionally reading a bible verse here and there. Since Jesus was not evident in my life, I thought that He also did not care for me. The depression and outright dislike for myself came to the point where I kept mentally replaying ways it could all end. I would hurt myself while voicing the lies of the enemy, thinking that it was fact.
Dear reader, know that Jesus is greater than anything. After coming to YWAM Los Angeles to do a Discipleship Training School, I learned so much about my identity in Christ and so much more that opened my eyes to who I truly am. The depression was broken off of my life and was replaced with this burning desire to know God better and grow in relationship with Him. Rather than the lies I listened to before, I started listening to what God says about me, which is truth. He says...
"You are loved."
"I adore you."
"I cherish every part of you."
During DTS and even afterwards, God has spoken truth into my life. Here is where I realized that the enemy had been feeding me the sadness I'd been feeling for so long. After all, depression is not of the Lord, because He gives us peace and joy.
My life has been transformed not through works, not through people, but through Jesus Christ. This testimony of mine is meant to be shared so that it can impact others and better the kingdom of God. I'm living proof that no matter how dire and burdensome your life looks, the only answer is Jesus. You can give yourself to the commodities of this world, but it will never truly satisfy you as much as the love, joy, and peace of God do.